Heart of Stone
by LapinGris
Summary: Commander Shepard's journey of self reflection. Her struggle with changing: mentally, physically and emotionally. (Summaries aren't my thing. If you'd like to know more, give the first chapter a read!) Garrus/Fem!Shep. Rated M for future... stuff.
1. Past

**Lapin: First off I'd like to thank everyone who has left reviews on my previous works. It means a lot to me that you think my writing is good. I know it isn't anything special, but I try. **

**This will be my first chapter fic. I don't know how long it will get, but I'll try to write as much as I can.**

**This story is/will eventually be Garrus/Fem!Shep. Rated M for future, er, _content_.  
**

**I tend to enjoy reading Mass Effect fics which refer to Shepard as Shepard or even just Commander, with no first name given or spoken. It allows the reader to place their own Shep into the story. This particular story has mention of her name, but very rarely is it ever said or brought up. The reason for that being, I wanted to write a full story about _my _Shep in general.  
**

**I'm dedicating this story to my friend, because she wanted to read all about my Shep, Ren. So, friend, you know who you are and I hope you like this.**

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**Heart of Stone**

"Past"

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Commander Shepard. A rank and a name. Simple enough. She never liked to be called her first name, Ren, by anyone who wasn't close to her. Her adoptive father, former Major Joseph West was the only one privy.

Her real parents died when she was only two, or so she was told. They were living in the colony Shanxi and killed during the First Contact War, when a missile collided with their home. Joe had told her the story of how he had found her, crying amongst the rubble. It was a miracle she had even survived.

He got her to safety and returned to battle, only to have been seriously wounded. His left leg had to be amputated just above the knee, he was forced to retire from active duty. The war ended and humanity was, not so warmly, recognized and welcomed as a new species amongst the others.

After mostly recovering, he took her under his care and eventually adopted her. He'd always told her that something in her eyes told him she was a fighter. His words inspired her greatly. When she turned eighteen, she joined the Alliance.

Now a commander, she finally felt like she was making a name for herself. Her pride was only as intense as her morals. She was raised tough, but not heartless. She knew when to pull her gun out and when not to. Sometimes though, it seemed like the galaxy was trying her patience.

Nihlus, a turian spectre was _evaluating_ her. She rolled her eyes. Turians. She hated them. Well... maybe not _hate_. It was more like she didn't trust them. They were known as the military race, trained from the age of fifteen to be soldiers. Joe had told her stories from his time at Shanxi and although their races had finally seen eye to eye, he still harbored anger and bitterness towards the avian aliens.

She hadn't worked with one so closely before and it was making her angry and also a bit nervous. Her hand constantly hovering over her gun as Nihlus and Captain Anderson talked.

Anderson turned to Shepard, "The Spectres represent the Council's power and authority. If they accept a human into their ranks, it shows how far the Alliance has come." Nihlus glanced at her and added, "I was impressed when I studied the reports from Torfan, a grim business... but you got the job done," He paused and Shepard crossed her arms. "That's why I put your name forward as a candidate for the Spectres."

She frowned, "I don't like people making decisions about my future." she spat.

Nihlus ignored her remark and continued, "I need to see your skills for myself, Commander. Eden Prime will be the first of many missions together." Shepard glared at him, locking her violet eyes with his own green ones. She really didn't want anything to do with this thing. Still, a mission's a mission. She turned to Anderson, "Just give the word, Captain."

**...**

Nihlus had gone on ahead and Shepard wasn't complaining. She led her team towards the dig site. Kaidan Alenko stayed behind her but Jenkins was too eager to move on and was shot down. After losing him, she was down one man but soon enlisted the help of another soldier, Ashley Williams.

Great. Turians and now women. The galaxy loved Shepard _oh so much_. Getting along with men was much easier than dealing with female drama. She wasn't sure if her aversion to other women was considered sexist or not, given that she too, was a lady. Nevertheless, if this new soldier was able to keep her trap shut, there wouldn't be any problems.

After finding the dig site empty, they made their way up to the space port. A gun shot was heard as they approached. Shepard swallowed hard as she ran, suddenly feeling as if something had gone very wrong.

They took down some geth, rescued a few civilians and eventually found themselves at their destination.

Shepard approached a body on the ground. Kaidan's words confirmed it. "Commander... it's Nihlus." She nodded at Kaidan in acknowledgment. "Keep moving." she ordered, trying to sound serious, despite her more than obvious relief that she'd no longer have to worry about working with the turian.

Just then a dock worker came out from behind some crates. "Don't shoot! I'm human!" he shouted, as Shepard drew her pistol. "What the hell were you doing back there?!" she demanded. The man introduced himself as Powell and proceeded to explain to them what he had witnessed. Apparently Nihlus was shot in the back by another turian, another spectre named _Saren_. Shepard told him to get lost and she and her team continued with their mission.

Disarming a few demolition charges and shooting more geth along the way, they finally found the prothean beacon they were looking for. When Shepard got close, the beacon activated and flooded her mind with scrambled visions. Visions of death and destruction. It proved too much for her and the world around her began to darken and spin until she fell deeply unconscious.

**...**

As Shepard finally came to, she overheard Anderson talking to the rest of the crew on the comm. It sounded like they were on their way to the Citadel to talk to the council. She was on her feet and out the med clinic doors before Dr. Chakwas could say a thing. She stomped up the stairs and through the doors which lead to the CIC.

"Why do we have to talk to the council?!" Shepard barked, crossing her arms. Kaidan looked startled by her tone and flinched. Ashley frowned. "Captain Anderson was concerned about the reports we gave him," she started. Anderson cleared his throat, motioning to silence Ashley. "Regarding that other turian spectre, Saren. We need to warn the council about him." he explained.

Shepard shook her head slightly, blinking. "Right, makes sense. Although, I have a feeling they won't listen to a thing we say without proof. They've all got sticks up their asses." she said, rubbing her temples. "Plus, my head's a mess. That beacon really fucked with it."

Ashley stared, her jaw almost on the floor. She turned to Kaidan who just smirked. "Your Commander always talks like this?" she whispered. Kaidan shrugged. "She's... got quite a mouth on her, eh?" he laughed.

Anderson sighed and placed his arms behind his back. "I've given up trying to explain to her that it's inappropriate to speak that way. Learn fast, Williams. The Commander is not one to be messed with."

Ashley blinked. "Sir?" she questioned. Anderson turned to her and smiled. "You held your own all by yourself until Shepard got there. We need soldiers like you. I'm having you assigned to the Normandy, effective immediately."

Shepard groaned. "Anderson..." she threatened. The Captain just smirked. "Oh come on, Williams has proven herself. Give her a chance." he said, casually. "Besides, it's my ship, I choose who we take." Ashley frowned. "Commander, I don't know what this is about but I promise I won't disappoint you."

Nodding, Shepard closed her eyes. She covered her face with her hand and mumbled, "How long 'till we reach the Citadel?" Just then, Joker's voice was heard over the comm. "ETA twenty minutes, Commander." Her eyes opened wide and she glanced towards the cockpit. "How the hell did he even _hear_ that?!" she shouted, turning on her heel and heading back down to the med clinic. Kaidan and Joker could be heard laughing all the way downstairs.

Somehow it was comforting. There wasn't much laughter during her childhood. Joe had been a good provider but he wasn't very good at expressing himself, other than his fits of anger. The turians had made him that way. She had to admit, she felt bad for her father, having gone through so much pain. Still, part of her had wished she could have just stopped hearing about it. His ruthless attitude had made a larger impression on her than she'd thought.

After Torfan, she had sworn to change her ways but here she was, still hating everyone without just cause. She needed to fix it. Before it was too late and she became like Joe. Bitter and alone. She made another mental promise to herself as she reentered the med bay.

She vowed to be _nice_ to the next turian she spoke to.

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**Lapin: Thanks for reading the first chapter! Hope you enjoyed it. Please write a review (even anon) if you'd like, they are always appreciated. **

**xoxox**


	2. Staring Contest

**Lapin: Chapters will probably be shorter in this story simply because I find it easier to write in small bursts. Hope everyone is okay with that. :D**

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**Heart of Stone**

"Staring Contest"

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The elevator ride up to the citadel tower was taking forever. Shepard was silent, trying to plan what she'd say to the councilors. No matter what her brain came up with, she still felt like the council wouldn't listen. The turian councilor knew about Joe and how he felt about turians in general. If he chose to bring that up, she'd have even less of a chance to make her case against Saren. He was controlling geth and attacked a human colony with them.

Shepard's head began to ache as she recalled the visions the beacon burned into her mind. There was more to it. Saren hated humans but that probably wasn't why he did it. After all, he wanted the beacon. She wished she could make sense of the visions.

The elevator finally stopped and the doors opened. Shepard, Kaidan and Ashley walked down the long corridor. As they reached the end, they heard the tail end of a heated conversation between two turians.

"Your investigation is over, Garrus." the older turian said, turning to take his leave.

The other turian looked down, his hands balling into fists. He noticed Shepard's approach and turned to face her. She flinched. Oh shit. Be _nice_. You _promised_.

Garrus spoke first, "Commander Shepard? Garrus Vakarian. I was the officer in charge of the C-Sec investigation into Saren."

Shepard took a deep breath. She'd have to choose her words carefully. Otherwise, she'd say something crass. "C-come across anything I should know about?" Damn it all. She had stuttered. She blushed slightly out of sheer embarrassment. What the hell?

Garrus didn't seem to notice her slip. Perhaps it was lost in translation. She was grateful, in any case. He crossed his arms. "Saren's a spectre. Most of his activities are classified. I couldn't find anything solid."

Shepard frowned. Figures.

He continued, "But I know he's up to something. Like you humans say, I feel it in my gut." Shepard's expression changed into a softer more questioning one. What?

Kaidan spoke suddenly, "I think the council's ready for us, Commander." Shepard looked at him quickly then back to the turian, who unfolded his arms.

"Good luck, Shepard. Maybe they'll listen to you." Garrus said, locking his eyes with hers. Shepard thought she detected a hint of doubt and sarcasm in his words. She started walking past him, not breaking his gaze. What a weird turian.

She could still feel his icy blue eyes on her back as she walked. A chill ran down her spine. "I don't trust him." she said, accidentally aloud. Kaidan moved up to walk next to her. "That's why I interrupted. Figured you were uncomfortable talking to him." he said, almost amused. Ashley looked confused.

"Turians freak her out." Kaidan said, pointing at Shepard. Ashley smiled. "Well you're not alone in that one, Commander. I can't stand having to work with aliens." she whispered, scanning the area to make sure no one else heard her. Shepard frowned. "Citadel, Williams. Not wise to say things like that here."

Ashley straightened her walk. "Right. Sorry, ma'am. Understood."

**...**

The asari councilor shook her head, "This meeting is adjourned."

With that, Shepard and Anderson walked down the stairs to meet back up with Kaidan and Ashley. "I knew they weren't going to listen." Shepard mumbled.

Anderson sighed. "Saren hates humans. That has to be why he attacked Eden Prime. He has to be stopped."

Shepard shrugged. "No. He wanted the prothean beacon. That's why he was there. The beacon did something to me. It made me see things. I don't know what for sure, but it definitely had to do death. A lot of it."

Anderson grabbed her shoulders. "Why didn't you mention this before? We could have told the counci-" Shepard pulled away. "Do you honestly think those idiots in there would believe me over things I saw in my damn head?!" she shouted. Anderson calmed down and sighed. "You're right."

"What's our next move?" Shepard asked eagerly. Ambassador Udina approached them saying, "As a spectre, he's virtually untouchable. We need to find some way to expose him."

For a while they were all silent in thought. Kaidan spoke up, "What about Garrus, that C-Sec investigator? We saw him arguing with the executor."

Shepard looked at him incredulously. "No! Absolutely not." she yelled. Kaidan flinched. Anderson raised an eyebrow. "Ambassador, where can we find him?" he asked, ignoring Shepard's protest. She continued to stare daggers into Kaidan, who was now contemplating hiding behind Ashley.

Udina thought for a moment. "Harkin might know where he is." Anderson shook his head, "Forget it. Harkin's been suspended. Drinking on the job. I don't want to waste my time with that loser."

"Shepard will handle it." Udina said, as Shepard's head whipped around to stare at him instead. "Shepard will what now?" she asked, crossing her arms defiantly. Anderson smirked. Udina began to sweat a little under her intense eyes. "I need to take care of some business. Captain, meet me in my office later." he said awkwardly, walking backwards until he was a safe distance away.

Shepard gripped her arms, turning sharply to stare at Kaidan again. He stepped closer to Anderson who was still smirking. "Harkin's probably getting drunk at Chora's Den. Get moving." he ordered, laughing a little.

Why he insisted on teasing her about her dislike of turians and women, she'd never know. "Let's go, Alenko, get your ass over here and watch my six." Shepard growled, walking over to the rapid transit console. Kaidan swallowed nervously and obeyed. "Commander, I'm sorry. I thought it was our best option right now." he whined. Ashley sighed and shook her head.

Shepard shot him a quick look that he was pretty sure meant, _fuck you_.

"Let's just focus on the mission."

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**Lapin: I hope you are all enjoying my Shepard as much as I'm enjoying writing her. Heh. She probably doesn't know what the word 'appropriate' means.**

**Please continue to review, it makes me inspired to write more!**

**xoxox**


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